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Date:2010-04-22 20:59

i want chris to walk in the door with flowers and hold me the way a woman needs holdin.

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Date:2010-01-28 10:41
Subject:part two

well, things seem to be better but chris seems to want to break up every five minutes. i guess i just need to be nicer. i don't intend on being mean but some of the things he does, compounded with my paranoia, is making it hard for me to not have these delusional thoughts and questions. i'm sorry! i don't know why i was afflicted with paranoia. i don't know why. i'm going to call group health and get him to a psychiatrist that can prescribe. it's an emergency...

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Date:2010-01-27 20:19
Subject:almost breaking up/almost breaking my brain

i'm watching chris go down a spiral that i can't control, one that i started, i think, somehow a long time ago when we first started taking pills. now he won't stop. he is going to lose us and he doesn't even realize it. he's pushing me and sienna away because we smother him but what will he do when he's alone? when i finally become well enough to be on my own, which i'm not, but he wants to dump me and so what can i do? do i beg for him to stay, where he's miserable and making ME miserable because of it? is this just a phase that he's going through? i mean, we've been together for almost six years. you don't just walk away from a six year family relationship. unless you're the type of guy who goes out for ice cream one night and never returns. i hope he's not that kind of man, but i'm not even sure who he is right now. his mental state is beyond believable. i don't know what i'm doing. i could really use some advice. everyone i know is telling me does he realize what he would be losing? i don't think he really cares. all i know is i do love him so very much and he's breaking my heart each time he tries to break up with me.

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Date:2010-01-01 23:34

chris is ignoring me.

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Date:2010-01-01 15:37
Subject:chris has left the planet...again

he is manic again.
he wasn't rude like before, just demanding.
if his demands aren't met, he acts like a brat.
anyway, i'm eating mellisa's boca chick'n patties. muahaha do not leave food in my freezer it will be goneeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

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Date:2010-01-01 15:22

what a new years.

thanks for the christmas card, jen!!!

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Date:2009-06-12 16:55

so i won my SSI. i am really happy. now i get a bunch of money in back pay and it should totall over 1000+ even more maybe, and now everyone seems to want a piece of it. my mom was the first to ask she wants brake line system replaced in her car.
i mean, i get really annoyed when everyone has treated me like shit over the years, even when i felt i was dying and now hey don't evne want to be aounr me, but the do want my money. it's sad! i won't let them all have my money at all. i need to stand my ground. i've been walked on so long by people it's tragic. i suess i'm just going to ahve to travel, get my things out of the way, and THEn i can start helping people.

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Date:2009-06-12 12:59
Subject:social security outcome

well, i was at my hearing at 9:45 sharp. They asked me how I got there and I said my boyfriend drove me. They asked me about my medicines. They asked me some other things, but all in all the thing that made me the most paranoid was they brought up that i tested positive for cannabis and opium. the judge wasn't fazed. he ruled in favor of me and now i'm going to split the earnings with my attorney. i'd like to travel.

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Date:2009-06-04 01:49
Subject:i wrote this on some message board....

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and I completely agree with 98% of what that person said, above.
I am alone, no friends, and I prefer it that way. I can't trust anyone, not even my husband. I fear being left, even when there is no reason for fear.
Sometimes I hear things when water is going. Sometimes I see ghosts. Sometimes I see shadow people.
I also have bipolar disorder, which is horrible too. I spend money without thinking. I make reckless decisions. I don't believe anyone loves me.
I also have anxiety, chronic depression, agorophobia, paranoia, borderline personality disorder and severe post-traumatic stress disorder.
It's a horrible, horrible way of life.
I'm an intelligent person. I have much potential locked away in my head. It's being held captive.
I must flee. Depression causes thoughts of death and suicide. I think about death every time I see a human being or animal.
Everytime I'm in a crowded room, I see death. I see death before I ever see life, joy ot happiness. I feel nothing and it feels better than being stuck with any other feelings.
I use drugs to numb myself and feel better. I smoke opium because it feels like I've taken twenty painkillers, and all I feel is pain.
My medication makes me zoned out and feeling weird. I hate taking it but when I don't take it, I feel the neurons in my brain, I actually hear them misfiring. I hear something in my head and it's usually because I forgot to take the medicine. Sometimes I forget to eat. Sometimes I forget to go to the bathroom and end up almost not making it. Sometimes I forget where I am for a second and then panic because it seems I'm not in the right place, like I just suddenly appeared there.
My thoughts are all over the place most of the time. I can't concentrate. My memory is so bad that I can't remember from hour to hour. What was I doing for three hours? The time passes and I don't know it's passed. These are big problems for me because I forget if I fed my daughter. I forget what time she has to go to school. I forget what time to pick her up from school. The teacher is getting angry with me, I'm sure, probably thinking I'm irresponsible.
It's a horrible way of life, but I know no other alternative.
I sit in silence most of the day, staring into space, not making a sound. Sometimes the silence is broken by a phone call, or someone wanting to talk to me. I refuse to answer the phone when I'm feeling this way.
I doubt everything in life. If something good is on the horizon, I doubt it's really happening. I don't know why. People say I'm too cynical. I think people need to shut up. They have no idea how horrible my life is. I pretend it's not that bad.
I can't even function at home. I can write amazing things, appear composed, but I can't remember to make my child breakfast. I get wrapped up in fantasy. I don't want to be in this world, but then I get so amazingly depressed that I read the Obituaries just to cheer up. Maybe one day it will be my time. I imagine what death is like, every second of the day. What will it be like when I'm gone? The world will just go on, keep on turning, and I'll be part of the Earth. This isn't comforting. It makes me want to scream. I think about death and I start to panic. I get upset at the fact that we all die, but every person I see is a skeleton. They're already in their casket, as far as I'm concerned.
I have no impact on anyone's life. I'm no role model. I don't have one friend. I have people who want to associate with me but I keep them at arm's length.
I was beaten as a child, severely, and I think maybe the reason I have so many problems is that he hit me hard in the head repeatedly. All I remember is hiding under the covers in my bed, getting struck repeatedly in the face, closing my eyes and covering my face.
I was sexually molested. I don't remember anything. Sometimes I wonder if it even happened. I remember flashes of things. It's rough.
If you know someone who is mentally ill, please don't just assume that they are evil or harmful. It feels terrible to be alienated because I'm different. I'm sure it feels that way for many mentally ill people out there.
That's all I have to say. Thanks for letting me vent.

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Date:2009-05-31 15:11
Subject:i'm dieting

it's hard. i don't know portions. portions are so much smaller than i thought they were. i'm finally documenting my food intake and exercise output. :)

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Date:2009-05-22 12:19
Subject:chris has left the planet.

so chris had a nervous breakdown of sorts these past few days have been terrible. i feel like crying because i've been there. i've had a nervous breakdown before and it sucks ass incredibly.
i so want to take sienna to the children's museum. i'm so agoroaphobic i don't know what to do, or if she'll ever get to go there. i'm so bummed out. there's never any money and groceries are so expensive right now. it's like we can't even cook regular meals.
my daughter refuses to eat almost everything, so it's hard to decide what to feed her. my therapist thinks i'm schizophrenic so that explains why sometimes common sense isn't there. i've never really had any common sense. it's scary. i am scared to have no common sense because it really does get me in trouble. and i'm too naive. gullible, if you will.
i let people in and they leave me high and dry. it sucks. i am a basket case usually, quietly, in my head, and people don't like that.
i'm to have a psychological evaluation, my third or fourth. i don't know why they have to do these things. i hate the iq test. i feel so judged.
anyway, these things are real and from my heart. i want peace and love, strength and hope for all.

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Date:2009-04-29 15:35
Subject:feeling better

well, i'm finally starting to feel a bit better about things. i don't know if it's because i stopped smoking pot or what. i really get the feeling that something is about to change. i don't know. maybe i'll come down with the swine flu. maybe everyone will.

thoughts of death are rampant. i lay in bed wrestling thoughts of the hereafter and pestilence. i think about suicide bombers and taliban. i think about the wars all over. the plagues. the pandemic. the end.

i wish i never had to think about these things. i wish we never died. i wish we all could stay with our loved ones forever. i wish.

i know i said i'm finally starting to feel better, but you have to believe me, it's not a huge difference. it's just a small lift that has made me realize i have spent too much time inside, doing nothing. it's time to get out, get on a schedule, and start living again. i've spent 5 years not living, not taking in each breath and releasing those breaths with the passion and vigor that i once had.

it would be nice to go visit nancy. i keep thinking about her. she is a very sick, but sweet woman, and she needs prayers desperately. she needs positive healing energy and health energy sent her way. she needs positivity mostly, positively charged ions that radiate her back to good health....if only.

my bones hurt, my joints. i have psoriatic arthtritis, so i kind of know how nancy feels, to be in pain constantly, to feel weak, to not be able to do things...but i have all of that to a much lesser degree than her. her pain and weakness is crippling. it's amazing the amount of work she can produce though. she's a great writer, a talented musicia, a beautiful songstress, and a very smart woman. i wish her all the best.

as for me, i'm just laying low, trying to get on a schedule, trying to fit in, trying to lose weight. i'm just now learning the ways of the world, and i don't want to stop growing as a person. i want to prosper and have good health. i want discipline in my life, and routine. i want to feel good about myself. i don't want to hide anymore. so i'm starting today. hi.

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Date:2009-04-06 04:46
Subject:Life changes
Mood: blah

I was wondering why I felt so crappy lately. Sam's death date is today. I always want to go visit his gravesite and get some closure. I've been meaning to write his mom and dad and tell them how I never wanted to cause a rift between us, especially after we all lost him so suddenly...I know they hate me and I'll never be able to change that. They're crazy lunatics that sued me over Sam's few possessions...they even wanted his old laundry baskets...I just ripped up the legal papers that constantly came to the house from Kirkegard and Associates. I mean, I had just lost my fiance and they wanted to wrangle me into this legal bullshit.
In 2002, Sam had a massive heart attack on this day and I've never been the same since. I sort of just hibernated for these past five years.
I guess I need to resolve some issues, some loose strings need to be tied. I have all of these thoughts and want to act on them but never seem to. I guess it's the procrastinator in me that doesn't seem to manage these bits of closure. I mean, who would want to deal with the little shitty loose ends??
I'm really upset at myself.
I also miss talking to my friend Gregory who died. It was really sad, weird and confusing that he died. When I first started listening to Rufus Wainwright, I saw Gregory had left a comment on Rufus' myspace and I friended him. Why friend him? Why? Why does everything seem to happen for a reason? Gregory died just four or five months after I made his acquaintance. It seems like everyone I meet seems to die.
I really feel disappointed in myself for not answering the phone in his time of need. I felt he needed me and I just let it pass because I selfishly don't feel like talking to people sometimes. Well, sometimes people need me to listen. I am such a selfish cow for being so self-centered.
Troy needs me. What if he died and I wasn't there to pick up the phone? I mean, Nancy is always sick, what if she died??? I would be horrified if either of my bestest friends died. I never realize how short life is. I mean, I could die right where I'm seated, right now, right here, and it just comes out of the blue sometimes, death does.
I guess the point of life is to learn to ignore death until it actually happens, I mean that's what America does. We ignore death to the point where we make light of it with gory horror movies and youth-obsessed television.
I miss Sam. He was so kind-hearted and tender, but joyless in a sense. He was a funny guy, a guy with personality, a quiet guy, one who probably knew his time here was short, so he didn't invest much in this lifetime, just like myself.
I miss you Sam. I even forgot your last name for a minute. Charles. Maybe I should write these things down.

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Date:2009-02-18 11:16
Subject:hey ho whatdya know??
Mood: complacent

so the child is five almost. i'm planning to have just one more. just one. maybe. i love the first one so much. she's a good girl, very smart, loves to read. she's reading at at least a 2nd grade level. well i'm off to get her to school for once in my life. usually chris does the school biz.

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Date:2009-01-02 07:30
Subject:2nd day of the new year...


happy new year!

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Date:2008-04-22 02:00
Subject:poem 1

clean your room
by eisy

beautiful girl
you have chocolate eyes
and milky way smile
you've got calm cool moments
and moments of rage
intense chocolate
staring me down
with your little brow raised

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Date:2008-04-22 01:35
Subject:at this again...
Mood: contemplative

i need to vent and vaporize my emotions.
i have to sort through the little pieces of glass i've been wading in and make a mural out of the pieces.
each piece is a memory, jim told me. he was the guy who evaluated me last.
he had a scary interest in my entire history, unlike any other evaluator.
when i think about my past it's like a pile of shit more than any glass. it reeks of boring days filled with a fear of going places, OCD so bad i get jolted when i hear the doorbell ring.
anxiety to the point where i can't breathe sometimes and end up crying so hard i can't even get any air in. that's the kind of past i'm talking about. the nightmares i may have if i could get a good bit of REM sleep. friends irritating me with their problems, jesus boy and his 40 day fast always coming round and making everyone tense with anxiety over when he will leave. nutty lunatics. those are my friends. so they aren't much support in the end except for troy, who i tell everything to, not just because he's actually someone who is interested but because he's so sweet.
he's so southern though. i'm all for slavery, i mean who wouldn't want a slave based on skin color? it's the greatest idea ever! but yeah, a little hickish i guess more than southern, but a smart hick.
i've stopped talking to a lot of people because i'm so frustrated with life. i don't know what to do, how to get out of the house. i can only go pleaces with someone most of the time unless it's a good day or i need to go to an appointment. i have been making most of my psych appointments but i end up procrastinating at the clock, pacing and finding little things to do in hesitation, not wanting to leave the house. i have this raging headache right now, by the way, and eye pain and i just took an Alleve and i hope it goes away.
i don't know what to do about my fears, but i hope i can come to some kind of resolution. i don't want to be this way for another thirty years.

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Date:2006-09-05 04:17

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

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Date:2006-09-05 04:16
Subject:lonesome liza lester's little sister

she wore pigtails through grade school.
got new teeth in fall.
new girls in pigtails, like swirling
swiss chocolate

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Date:2006-08-15 18:41

<td align="center"> eisy will go to jail for ...

Making lewd remarks to your arresting officer

'What sexual activity will you go to jail for?' at QuizUniverse.com</td>

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